“God bless America!” Once again, respectfully, I say to myself: “What the fuck does that mean?” God bless America? Is that a request? Is that a demand? Is that a suggestion? Politicians say it at the end of every speech as if it were some sort of verbal tick that they can’t get rid of. “God bless you and God bless America! God bless you and God bless America!” I guess they figure that if they leave it out someone’s gonna think they’re bad Americans!

Let me tell you a little secret about God, folks: God does not give a flyin’ fuck about America. OK? He doesn’t care! He never cared about this country! He never has, he never will. He doesn’t care about this country anymore than he cares about Mongolia, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal or the North Pole! He simply doesn’t care, OK? He doesn’t care! Listen! There are 200 countries in the world now! Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites? Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries? Because you have the most money? Because he likes our National Anthem? Maybe it’s because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of Classic Rice-A-Roni? It’s delusional thinking!

And America is not alone with this sort of delusions. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody’s gonna be disappointed! Somebody’s wasting their fucking time! Could it be… everyone? Now… now… If people wanna say “God Bless America”, that’s their business, I don’t care, but here’s what I don’t understand: If they say “God Bless America”, presumably, they believe in God and if they do, they must have heard, God loved everyone! That’s what he said, he loved everyone and loved them equally! So why would these people ask God to do something that went against his own teachings? You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it - they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it! Well, I’ll tell you what Jesus would have done.

I’ll tell you what Jesus would have done! He would have gone up on the top of the Empire State Building and said: “God bless everyone around the world forever and ever ‘till the end of time!” That’s what Jesus would have done, and that’s what these people should do, or else they should admit that “God Bless America” is really just some sort of an empty slogan, with no real meaning except for something vague like “good luck!” Good luck, America! You’re on your own!… which is a little bit closer to the truth!